Nine years ago today was supposed to be my second chance. The start of my happily ever after. Instead of celebrating another year, I’ve sat with a lump of unacknowledged grief wedged in my chest and a work day that has reinforced feelings of not being enough.
My bridesmaid sends me a message. “Are you doing ok today?” She is the only one who was both there and isn’t afraid of my emotions. She knows that his secret addiction impacted my lifelong depression to a point where the only option was to abandon my fairytale.
The receptionist at work is celebrating her birthday. Someone brought her pink tulips, almost the exact shade my bridesmaid carried. I tell her how beautiful they are and how they are my favourite flower. I don’t say “still” or “despite everything” because my story is a tightly held secret that I’m sure has been fuel for speculation. No one ever asks what happened but you can see the question in the way their eyes slide away from my face if I mention him.
I can tell my bridesmaid the truth about how rough I’m finding the day. She holds the space for me to grieve openly.
If I’m ready to.
Which I’m not.
The grief will be shelved again tomorrow, while I carry on with my new life. Next year, when I pull it out, it’ll be smaller and slightly easier to carry.
Anniversary dates can be so hard. This line stood out for me: she holds the space for me to grieve openly.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
Trish, big hugs. This was such a tight and powerful piece. My heart goes out to you. Xoxo
Thank you Melony. That means a huge amount. Hugs
What a well-written and concise piece that most of us can easily relate to.
Thanks Danielle.
Anniversaries are rough. I like your last sentence very much.
Thank you very much!
Good job carrying details through the piece to hold it together. The only place this is a miss for me is that it overassumes a little how familiar the reader is with your life outside this essay; I would have liked to see it a little more self-contained, since it’s so tightly written. But for that detail, it’s easily the sort of essay that makes it out of blog pages and into magazines.
Thank you for the feedback. I might play around with this a little more.
This is so lovely and emotional.Shelving the grief is such a powerful expression.
This is such a beautiful piece.
Agree with Melony. This was powerful. I particularly loved the ‘pink tulips’ bit.
Thank you so much. This was a step out of my comfort zone and I appreciate you stopping by very much.
I love and admire stories that are effective and short. This told me everything I needed to know, though I’d love to know more. Well done.
I like the idea of experiences being something we pull out from time to time, see if they are still the same weight, see if they look as they did a year (or two or nine) ago.
Your last line was so good, and so authentic. How fortunate you are to have such a solid friend in your bridesmaid.